Alphys VS Undyne
by xandermartin98
Summary: In what is shockingly the first fanfic to feature a truly major rivalry between Alphys and Undyne, the two of them argue each other that they start making up random contests to see which one of them is REALLY the best Undertale character; naturally, hilarity ensues.
1. Chapter 1

ALPHYS VS. UNDYNE

CHAPTER 1

One otherwise relatively normal day in the Underground, a rather intense rivalry was rapidly beginning to form between the area's cutest lesbian couple; namely, the weeaboo lizard geek known as Alphys and the equally weeaboo fish warrior known as Undyne.

Literally everyone was talking about it, and from the looks of things, it certainly seemed like it wasn't exactly about to die down anytime soon either...much to everyone's dismay.

AT GRILLBY'S BAR IN SNOWDIN...

"So, uh...what exactly is this so-called RIVALRY you speak of, Sans?" Papyrus asked his brother, who was busy chugging down ketchup right out of the bottle while Papyrus drank a nice, cold bottle of soda like any normal person with half a brain would.

"Well, uh...lemme put it to you this way, shall I?" Sans shrugged, setting his bottle down on the bar. "You know how married couples always end up having nasty fights with each other?"

"UGH...yes..." Papyrus sighed, remembering how Asgore and Toriel had literally attempted to burn each other alive with their own fire magic over a petty divorce dispute at one point.

"Well, it's basically that...only even WORSE!" Sans explained, jumping out at Papyrus and making a scary face at him for emphasis.

"WAUGGGH!" Papyrus screamed, lurching back in shock. "Well, if it's really that bad, then I suppose there's really nothing we can do about it, is there?"

"We can always start our own rivalry between ourselves, can't we?" Sans suggested with a smug shrug and a sly wink. "Guess you could say we'll get each other's..."

"SANS..." Papyrus warned him, knowing well in advance how bad of a pun he was about to make.

"Each other's..." Sans snickered, trying not to bust out laughing.

"SANS!" Papyrus sneered at him, already boiling with pent-up rage.

"BONES rattled!" Sans chuckled with a shrug and a wink as always, prompting the local cameraman to zoom in dramatically on him while Grillby played the classic BA-DUM-TSSH sound effect on his drum kit in the background, just for maximum cheesiness effect.

"SANS, YOU SON OF A SNITCH!" Papyrus yelled furiously at him as he tackled him onto the floor, where the two of them engaged in an intense fistfight with each other, filling the entire restaurant with a massive ball of stars and dust and forcing everyone to evacuate as the dust's reaction with Grillby's fire caused the whole place to explode.

"Heh, I guess you could say Grillby went out with a..." Sans snickered.

"DON'T YOU. EVEN. DARE." Papyrus hissed into his ear menacingly.

"BANG." Sans chuckled with yet another shrug and yet ANOTHER wink.

"Sans, for the love of God, are you even TRYING anymore?" Papyrus sighed, facepalming.

"To piss you off? Why, of COURSE!" Sans laughed, patting him on the back.

AT THE BURGER PLACE IN MTT RESORT...

"HOLY SHIT, TAKE COVER, BRO!" Burgerpants screamed as him and his reluctant best friend Nice Cream Guy frantically ducked underneath the cash-register table to avoid the onslaught of food that was now being thrown everywhere thanks to Alphys and Undyne.

"YOU'RE NOTHING BUT A FAT, SMELLY, ANIME-WATCHING TUB OF LARD!" Undyne yelled furiously at her girlfriend Alphys, throwing a whole tomato at her...or TRYING to, anyway.

"Say, what's going on up there...(SPLAT!)...damnit, I should have known!" Burgerpants groaned, not even bothering to wipe the slimy, seedy tomato juice off of his face.

"I can help you clean that shit off if you want, you know!" Nice Cream Guy suggested, sticking out his tongue lovingly and cradling Burgerpants in his arms.

"Man, GET the fuck out of my face with that shit!" Burgerpants hissed in disgust, shoving Nice Cream Guy away from him before anything gayer could happen between the two of them.

"Undyne, you eat like a fucking PIG with Down Syndrome!" Alphys yelled at Undyne, hurling a Glamburger at her, which she then ate...and then immediately spat out in disgust.

"Jesus Christ, what in the hell is this frickin' burger MADE out of?" Undyne retched.

"Sequins and glue...JUST LIKE YOUR FUCKING UNREALISTIC, BULLSHIT IDEALS OF HOW WOMEN SHOULD LIVE THEIR LIVES!" Alphys yelled at Undyne, throwing a chair at her.

"Hey, everyone can be a man if they fucking TRY...which is most definitely something YOU oughta try doing sometime!" Undyne yelled back, narrowly lunging out of the way of Alphys' chair and throwing an entire Mettaton-shaped table loaded with food at her in retaliation.

"God damnit, you're driving me fucking BANANAS!" Alphys sneered at Undyne, tackling her face-up onto the floor and jabbing a pair of bananas into her eyes.

"GUYS!" Nice Cream Guy yelled at them, lunging in and breaking the two of them up before they could cause any more damage to the restaurant or to each other.

"Okay, you know what? I'm very sorry about jabbing phallic-shaped fruit into your eyes." Alphys apologized to Undyne, grabbing her by the hand and pulling her back up onto her feet.

"And I'M sorry for stabbing phallic-shaped VEGETABLES into your eyeballs!" Undyne laughed, slapping Alphys on the back so hard that she accidentally spat one of her loose teeth out.

"Aww, I love you so much!" Alphys blushed and giggled, cuddling Undyne's massive legs.

"You too, pumpkin!" Undyne blushed equally, lifting Alphys up and cradling her in her burly, muscular arms with a hug and a kiss...which, of course, caused Alphys to pass out from sheer embarrassment.

"Alphys and Undyne, lying in a bed! F-U-C-K-I-N-G!" Burgerpants rolled on the floor laughing after seeing how ludicrously fast the two of them had gone from literal romantic food-fighting to cuddling each other.

"Oh, gee, look who's TALKING, am I right?" Nice Cream Guy snickered, tightening his signature collar around Burgerpants' neck and pulling on the leash seductively.

"UHH...Alphys? I, uh...I THINK maybe we should go now, if you don't mind!" Undyne stammered, tapping Alphys on the shoulder nervously.

"NEVER..." Alphys gasped in ecstasy, blushing intensely and wagging her tail and drooling at the mouth in arousal as the now-completely-naked Nice Cream Guy proceeded to strip Burgerpants' clothes off and lovingly rape the hell out of him.

"Well, I suppose since you never had a girlfriend, I'M probably the closest thing you'll ever GET to one, dare I say!" Nice Cream Guy laughed with a rather noticeable lisp, girlishly playing with his hair as he thrust his blue-balled weiner right into Burgerpants' tight, smelly asshole, roaring a mighty roar as he filled Burgerpants' butt with his love.

"OHHH, this shit right here is just living proof that opposites attract...I honestly don't think I've ever had a more passionate love/hate relationship with anyone else in my entire life." Burgerpants moaned, panting and drooling with arousal as he lovingly stroked and caressed Nice Cream Guy's nipples and sucked on his firmly erect penis like the gay, throbbing, muscular lollipop it was.

"Oh, MAN...I'm going to straight-up CREAM myself in, like, literally TEN FREAKING SECONDS if you keep THAT up!" Nice Cream Guy moaned in ecstasy while Burgerpants glared at him seductively, sucking and sucking and sucking some more while Nice Cream Guy whipped him with the leash.

"OH, YOU'RE SUCH A LOYAL FRIEND...OH, HOW I WISH I HAD TREATED YOU WITH MORE RESPECT BACK IN HIGH SCHOOL...OH, GOD, I THINK I'M GONNA BLOW...OHHHHHHHHHH!" Nice Cream Guy screamed orgasmically as his dick finally blew its glorious, pint-sized load into Burgerpants' eagerly awaiting mouth.

"So...how does my Nice Cream taste, brother?" Nice Cream Guy purred lovingly as he placed Burgerpants' chubby little cock in between his toes and began stroking it rapidly.

"OHHH...SO GOOOOD..." Burgerpants purred even more lovingly, licking his lips and swallowing every last drop of sperm while Nice Cream Guy gave him the three-toed footjob of a lifetime.

"10...9...8...7...6...5...4...3...2...1...BLASTOFF!" Nice Cream Guy counted down, sliding his beautiful feet up and down Burgerpants' shaft faster and faster and faster until finally...

"SWEET FOOTFUCKING CHRIST!" Burgerpants exploded with pleasure, cumming literally all over Nice Cream Guy's feet and marveling at how disturbingly gorgeous the sight of his gooey, sticky sperm trickling down the man's smooth, shiny soles really was.

"Now go ahead and lick it up like frickin' vanilla ice cream. I don't mind!" Nice Cream Guy laughed, pulling out a yaoi magazine and smugly flipping through the pages in boredom while Burgerpants licked, sucked and massaged his sexy feline feet for the next several minutes.

"That...was easily, without a doubt, THE absolute gayest shit I've ever seen in my whole freaking life! Alphys, did you SEE that shit?!" Undyne retched as Nice Cream Guy and Burgerpants passed out onto the floor with her moist, dripping tongues hanging out of their mouths in exhaustion.

"Um, Alphys? ALPHYS? ALPPPHYYYS?" Undyne called out to her in an attempt to get her attention...only to find out that Alphys herself had also passed out into a cum coma from what she had just witnessed and was now lying on the floor in a massive puddle of her own seminal fluid.

"UGH...looks like I'm gonna have to carry her fat ass home now, aren't I?" Undyne sighed as she reluctantly scooped Alphys up into her arms and set out for Alphys' lab in Hotland.


	2. Chapter 2

CHAPTER 2

Once Alphys had finally woken up, her and Undyne immediately went right back to arguing.

"Seriously, Alphys, you REALLY need to grow the fuck up!" Undyne warned Alphys.

"I need to grow the fuck up?!" Alphys retorted. "Undyne, for crying out loud, you're the one who fucking thinks that anime is real and always chews with her mouth wide open whenever we go out to eat together!"

"Oh YEAH?! Well...well...you're a fucking genderbent version of Francis from Super Paper Mario!" Undyne snapped back at her.

"Um, sorry to have to say this so loudly, but NO!" Alphys yelled at the top of her lungs, causing a volcanic rock avalanche that left a huge pile of rock debris blocking the front door to the lab.

"You see, the thing is...well, the thing is that unlike Francis, I'm actually a good fucking CHARACTER; trust me, if you ever met Francis, you would know." Alphys explained.

"HMPH!" Undyne sneered. "You might be a good character and all, but are you STRONG enough to dig through several tons of molten rock with your BARE HANDS?!" Undyne laughed, literally digging through the entire blockade with her bare hands while Alphys' jaw dropped in amazement.

"Well, okay, but still...STRONG does not necessarily mean the same thing as GOOD, you know!" Alphys pointed out, showing Undyne a Powerpoint presentation of all of the horrible, murderous atrocities that Chara had committed in the Genocide Run just for the sake of emphasis.

"Yeah, well...you're just a disgustingly overrated, no-life IDIOT who can't even do her fucking JOB properly! And also looks like a goddamned BOY while she's at it! Not to mention a freaking FATASS one at that!" Undyne snapped at her, shoving her irritatedly.

"Well then, tell me; WHY do you have such an amazingly intense freaking CRUSH on me?!" Alphys pointed out furiously, angered greatly by how incredibly dense Undyne could be at times.

"...you know what? I myself really don't know, but I just do for some reason. Honestly, I think it's mostly just because of how fucking CUTE you are!" Undyne sighed, rolling her eyes.

"Aww, thank you!" Alphys blushed and giggled, curling up into an adorably bespectacled little ball and cuddling with her pet Hamtaros (anime hamsters with chubby cheeks and beady, twinkly eyes).

"Still, though...YOU WANNA FREAKING GO, BITCH?!" Undyne yelled angrily at Alphys, raising her fists at her in preparation.

"Sure, why not?" Alphys sighed, nonchalantly walking over to where Undyne was standing and punching her in the nuts.

"OOO...let's just say you got me that time!" Undyne winced in pain, clutching her crotch and toppling over onto the floor in agony while Alphys racked her brain to come up with a solution to all of this madness.

"Look, we're literally sounding like a damned married couple right now, so here's what we're gonna do to sort all this shit out; we're gonna make a bunch of weird, made-up challenges, and whoever does the best in each of them, as decided by popular vote, wins!" Alphys explained.

"But...how is this even going to be broadcast on public television in the first place?" Undyne asked curiously, scratching her head.

"Magic, my friend; magic!" Alphys laughed, snorting a little as she patted Undyne reassuringly on the back.

"Alright, so first, let's see which one of us is better at ripping off classic cartoon intros!" Alphys suggested. "Let the games begin!"

ALPHYS' ENTRY

One day in Waterfall, Gaster quit his job and decided to just leave the smartest child he could find do his dirty work for him; of course, that child was Alphys, prompting the passage of time to then literally walk right up to her and punch her in the face.

"ALPHYYYS' MODDDERRRN LIFFFE!" Nice Cream Guy sang as Alphys grew into a teenager and got pelted from every which way with spitballs and dodgeballs until she fainted head-over-heels onto the ground from exhaustion, then was unceremoniously scraped off of the ground and crammed full of both scientific AND anime knowledge (yes, not one but TWO massive books literally stuffed directly into her head) by the suddenly God-sized hands of Gaster.

"ALPHYYYS' MODDDERRRN LIFFFE!" Nice Cream Guy sang yet again as Undyne suddenly appeared out of nowhere and ate the leftover earwax from Alphys' traumatic book-cramming experience, prompting her to then scoop Alphys up into her arms and cuddle her lovingly as one of Gaster's god-hands appeared yet again and flicked the both of them halfway across the Underground into Hotland, where they hit the hot boiling ground so hard that they literally melted into puddles of liquid; luckily, Asgore was standing right next to them, so he was somehow able to literally just stretch them back up into their former solid selves.

"GAAAHHH!" the three of them screamed their brains out as they suddenly saw Gaster chasing after them, prompting them to immediately take off running as fast as they could!

"ALPHYYYS' MODDDERRRN LIFFFE!" Nice Cream Guy sang yet AGAIN as the four of them ran past enormous living statues of Omega Flowey, Endogeny, Lemon Bread, Reaper Bird, Snowdrake's Mother and Father, and Memoryhead...all with very angry looks in their eyes.

"FUUU-HU-HU-HU-HUUU! THAT WAS INSANE!" Undyne laughed as her and Alphys and Asgore ran into the front door of a giant enormous television with the words ALPHYS' MODERN LIFE displayed on it, which then toppled over and crushed Gaster into a slimy eldritch pancake.

UNDYNE'S ENTRY

"Are you READY, monsters?" a painting of Alphys as a pirate asked the audience.

"AYE AYE, CAP'N!" the audience responded.

"I can't HEAR you!" Alphys teased them.

"AYE AYE, CAP'N!" the audience responded again.

"OOOOOOOOH...who lives in the scariest house underground? UNDYNE SPEARPANTS!" everyone sang as Undyne stepped out of her terrifying house and posed gallantly.

"Lascivious, brutish and rash all around! UNDYNE SPEARPANTS!" everyone continued singing as Undyne recklessly tore right through enormous armies of humans with her bare hands.

"If masculine nonsense is something you wish...UNDYNE SPEARPANTS!" everyone sang as Undyne suplexed the freaking Titanic directly into an atom bomb.

"If EVER you wanted to fuck with a fish...UNDYNE SPEARPANTS!" everyone sang as Undyne took her clothes off and collasped into her bed, landing on top of an equally naked Alphys.

"UNDYNE SPEARPANTS! UNDYNE SPEARPANTS! UNDYNE SPEARPANTS, UNNNDYYYNE SPEAR-PANNNTS!" Alphys sang repeatedly at the top of her lungs as Undyne cartwheeled all the way across the show's title and finally landed on top of a massive pile of rotting human corpses, whistling innocently as the wind ominously whispered her name.

Needless to say, Alphys definitely won that one...much to Undyne's chagrin.

"Now let's see which one of us can sing a better song about Mettaton!" Undyne suggested.

"Oh, believe me, you're on!" Alphys laughed arrogantly as the two of them marched right on over to Mettaton's theatre up at the very tip-top of Hotland.

UNDYNE'S ENTRY

"HEEERE...THERRRE...where-EVVVERRR YOU ARRRE...YOU WILL ALLLWAYYYS BE MY STAR! YOU MAKE LONG, MY DONG! STRONNNG...BRAAAVE...and SEXXXY TO BOOOT! METTA-TONNN ISSS MY WAIFU! MY WAIFU, FOR LIIIFFFEEE-UUU!" Undyne sang so ludicrously loudly and melodramatically that literally the entire audience ended up having to wear earphones to stop their brains from exploding with ham.

ALPHYS' ENTRY

"I'm nothing but a cold machine...who betrays everyone, everything! Though it's easy to pretend, I'm not a good person! I should have known better than to cheat Undyne, and waste the chance to fuck mermaid Reyn! So I'm never gonna plug again, the way you plugged me in!"

Alphys sang shockingly beautifully for someone with such a nasally voice, causing the entire audience to applaud her excitedly as Careless Whisper's world-famous sax solo came in.

Yet again, Alphys won by a long shot, causing Undyne's anger and jealousy to grow even further.

"All right, THAT'S IT! ALL OUT ON BOTH SIDES! Which one of us has a tougher boss battle?!" Undyne growled, immediately engaging in one-on-one combat with Alphys as both of them suddenly evolved into their hyper-upgraded Genocide super-forms.

ABOUT TWENTY TURNS LATER...

"DAMNIT! I've shot you with at least a MILLION freakin' laser beams, sent out the goddamned SPACE INVADERS on your ass, altered the flow of time in NUMEROUS ways, thrown you onto a freakin' DDR pad, tossed quite a few HIGHLY explosive bombs at you (often in CONJUNCTION with the freakin' laser beams, might I add), and even FLIRTED with you several times! Seriously, is there ANYTHING you can't freakin' HANDLE?!" Alphys NEO ranted furiously at Undyne The Undying, almost going full-on Super Saiyan with sheer uncondensed nerd rage.

"Uh...perhaps slide puzzles, I guess? I never was very good with those..." Undyne The Undying shrugged as she took yet another fierce, projectile-slinging swing at Alphys with her energy spear.

"OF COURSE! COLORED TILE PUZZLES! IT WAS SO FREAKING OBVIOUS!" Alphys NEO laughed maniacally. "Damnit, Undyne, why must you ALWAYS be so unbearably fucking stupid and dense as to give away literally all of your most CRIPPLING weaknesses during fights?!"

"Uh...because I can?" Undyne The Undying sighed as Alphys NEO summoned one of Mettaton's infamous colored tile puzzles onto Undyne The Undying's dodging field.

"GOD DAMN IT, WHAT THE FUCK EVEN IS THIS SHIT?! I LITERALLY HAVE NO IDEA WHAT ANY OF THESE STUPID FRICKING COLORS EVEN MEAN!" Undyne The Undying seethed with rage.

"Here's a rather helpful joke for you; ORANGE you glad that I put a whole bunch of totally-not-conspicuous orange tiles all over this puzzle?" Alphys NEO snickered. "Ahem...I really ought to reconsider my life choices, don't you think?" Alphys NEO shrugged regretfully, wanting to punch herself in the face as Undyne The Undying cluelessly stepped right onto the orange tiles.

"OH MY EVER-LOVING JESUS, YOU ACTUALLY FELL FOR IT! OH MY GOD, I LITERALLY CANNOT EVEN BELIEVE HOW FUCKING STUPID YOU ARE! OH, SWEET CHRIST, THIS IS JUST FUCKING HYSTERICAL!" Alphys rolled on the floor and cried laughing, wiping the tears from her eyes and blowing her stuffed nose loudly with a handkerchief as Undyne was mercilessly crushed in between Alphys' infamous death-walls of fire.

"GET DUNKED ON, BEE-YOTCH!" Alphys continued laughing as Undyne got a Game Over.


	3. Chapter 3

CHAPTER 3

"Hmm...I wonder which one of us is more resistant to tickling?" Alphys slyly giggled and blushed, crossing her legs and resting her elbow on Undyne's shoulder while Undyne was busy boiling with livid rage and jealousy at how obviously superior of a character Alphys was to her.

"HELL, I DUNNO, YOU FUCKING TELL ME WHICH ONE OF US IS MORE TICKLISH!" Undyne yelled irritatedly at her, sitting on the floor and resting her head between her fists in boredom.

ALPHYS' ENTRY

There Alphys was, in her lab, in stocks, with her wrists and ankles tied up in Memoryhead's tentacles, reluctantly enduring the tickle torture of a lifetime...courteousy of yours truly.

"MMF...HMMMF...TEE HEE..." Alphys giggled and blushed softly, trying desperately not to bust out laughing as Endogeny licked her socked feet while Reaper Bird nibbled on her tail, Snowdrake's Mother tickled her armpits with its feet, and Lemon Bread scratched her belly with its appendages.

"So...what if we told you that this is being filmed on live TV? Ya feeling embarrassed yet? HMM?" the Amalgamates teased her, causing her blush to worsen even further as the five of them continued relentlessly tickling the ever-loving shit out of her.

"What if we told you that someone's probably jerking off to this right now?" Memoryhead snickered, causing Alphys to tremble and sweat with nervous fear and apprehension as Lemon Bread removed her stinky sweaty socks and ate them so that Endogeny was now licking her bare, defenseless feet.

"MUST...NOT...FAP..." Snowdrake's Mother whispered desperately, trying its hardest not to move its right hand over its progressively hardening cock...and failing miserably at that.

"OKAY, NO-HO-HO-HO, PLEE-HEE-HEE-HEEASE! STAH-HAH-HAH-HAHP, MAKE IT STAH-HAH-HAH-HAH-HAHP! I PROMISE YOU I DON'T HAVE A CRUSH ON UNDY-HY-HY-HYNNNE!" Alphys bust out laughing hysterically, pounding her fists on the floor frantically as waterfalls of joyful tears poured down her glowingly blushing, humiliated, sweating face.

"Oh, I don't even believe that for ONE SECOND!" Lemon Bread laughed as the five of them continued tickle-tormenting her even further; although they certainly began to die down after a while, her screams of laughter could most definitely be heard from all the way across the area.

UNDYNE'S ENTRY

And here Undyne was, in Alphys' lab, about to be tickled by her.

"Go ahead, just TRY and tickle me. I dare you. I double-dog dare you, motherfucker, just TRY me." Undyne teased Alphys sassily, crossing her arms behind her head, crossing her legs, and shamelessly showing off her bare, webbed-toed fish soles to everyone in the audience as she lazily reclined in her beach chair. Speaking of her feet, both of them were locked firmly in stocks.

"Hmph...very well, then. I would certainly hate to disappoint you!" Alphys snickered, humming a teasing theme as she deftly scraped her finger-claws over the soft, scaly surfaces of Undyne's soles, digging deeply into the poor fish lady's arches, up over the balls of her feet, and even into the delicate webbing in-between her toes. Undyne blushed very brightly and bit her lip, trying hard not to laugh.

"Now let's just see how sensitive that precious webbing of yours REALLY is!" Alphys laughed maniacally, pulling out her trademark Feather Chainsaw and sawing right in-between Undyne's dainty little toes with it. At about this point, Undyne just couldn't take it anymore.

"BWAHAHAHAHAAAH! NOT THE WE-HE-HEBBING! THAT'S MY WEE-HEE-HEE-HEE-HEEAKEST SPAH-HAH-HAH-HAHHHT!" Undyne burst out into a manic fit of laughter as Alphys took all of Undyne's clothes off and began sawing all over her entire body with the feathersaw, with actual legit waterfalls of tears (no exaggeration, by the way) pouring down her face the whole way through; meanwhile, Alphys was just plain laughing her ass off as she began passionately worshipping Undyne's feet with pure, unbridled love and affection.

For literally the FOURTH time in a row, Alphys won; at this point, Undyne could barely even contain herself anymore and was seriously just about ready to rip her own hair out.

"Say, I wonder...which one of us has the better crack shippings?" Undyne teased Alphys with a slyly winking smirk.

"Uhh...w-well..." Alphys stammered, drumming her fingers together and sweating nervously.

ALPHYS' ENTRY

"Um...h-hi there!" Alphys giggled nervously, sweating with fear as embarrassment as she was forced to sit across the table from Super Paper Mario's infamous Francis at a fancy restaurant.

"Oh my god, this place is so ridiculously overpriced and AWESOME! Omigod, omigod, thank you SOOO much for bringing me over here! NERRRRRR!" Francis stammered like an idiot.

"So, Francis, what does the scouter say about this restaurant's prices?" Alphys sighed while Francis was busy swinging the overhead chandelier around and around in circles with his tongue.

"IT'S OVER NINE THOUSAND!" Francis yelled at the top of his lungs, jumping on top of the table and crushing his scouter so hard that it literally made his poor hand bleed as his sheer weight caused the table to break and collapse while everyone seated around them gave them the evil eye in disapproval (as well as extreme annoyance).

"REALLY?" Alphys sighed, cocking an eyebrow at him in disbelief.

"No matter, I can always just reassemble this table and its oh-so-majestic might with my wonderful HI-TECHNICAAAL laptop of justice! NERRRRRR!" Francis boasted to the high heavens, frantically typing the most random and nonsensical of character combinations on his laptop as the local New York City police began to surround them.

"Uh...w-we can explain..." Alphys stammered in terror as the police got out their magic batons and readied themselves for some good old-fashioned police brutality.

CRASH! BOOM! BANG! POW! THWACK! KA-POW! QUACK!

"And STAY out, you disgusting FREAKSHOWS!" the waiter yelled at them, kicking their beaten, battered bodies out onto the curb and pouring a bucket of cold, slimy spaghetti all over their heads as the pouring thunderstorm of rain outside slowly but surely washed it off.

"Well, at least I finally went out for dinner with a HOT BABE for the very first time in my miserable, lonely, disgusting, pathetic LIFE, am I right?" Francis snickered, pus dripping down his face.

"YEAH...let's never go out to eat at a classy restaurant again, am I right?" Alphys sighed, very narrowly resisting her ever-growing primal urges to outright curbstomp Francis' stupid, ugly face into the ground as the two of them walked home to Francis' apartment.

LATER THAT NIGHT, IN FRANCIS' BEDROOM AT THE APARTMENT...

"BWAHAHAHAHA!" Francis laughed, "accidentally" spitting out his scalding-hot coffee all over Alphys' face. "You still wear FOOTIE pajamas! Oh, how adorably inexperienced and naive you are! Why, my pajamas cost like TEN THOUSAND DOLLARS and have their own interactive virtual reality hentai system that allows you to have your own lovely fake girlfriend to use as a pathetic, meaningless sex object with beautifully animated bouncing boobs and-"

"Okay, okay, o-okay, I've heard P-PLENTY enough!" Alphys stammered in shock and absolute disbelief at just how outright horrible and offensive of a stereotype Francis really was as she hurriedly ran up to him and covered his mouth with her hands...which he then began licking.

"OH, JUST FUCK OFF, YOU REVOLTING CREEPSHOW!" Alphys yelled bitterly at him, losing her patience entirely and slapping him across the face.

"Ow, what was THAT for?" Francis sobbed like a baby.

"Alright, don't be intimidated, Alphys, just try to imagine him in his underwear...OH NO, HE'S HOT!" Alphys thought to herself and then screamed out loud as Francis removed his clothes, revealing his beautifully toned and muscular body.

"Wait a minute...you're not even the real Francis, are you? You're just an actor!" Alphys teased him after the very sudden realization of how disturbingly attractive he actually was.

"Well, actually, no; I've just been on a very serious and HI-TECHNICAAAAAAL diet/exercise routine lately, which is precisely how I got these GLORIOUS ANIME ABS OF BEAUTY!" Francis bragged, flexing his muscles and posing sexily as the two of them wrapped their arms around each other and french-kissed each other more out of necessity than anything else.

"Heh...what's the matter, sweetheart? FRANCIS got your tongue?" Francis chuckled as their tongues accidentally tied themselves together into an overly tight knot.

"Um, YES, actually, and I CAN'T...SEEM TO...GET IT BACK!" Alphys strained herself in desperation as the two of them tried all night with all of their might to separate their tongues from each other...but alas, to no avail.

UNDYNE'S ENTRY

"Uh...hey there, Muffet, how's it going?" Undyne nervously asked Muffet, entering her lair.

"GIVE ME ALL YOUR MONEY OR DIE!" Muffet laughed as her spider babies attacked Undyne and stole literally all of her money to add to Muffet's already huge stockpile of riches.

"Very well, then...what exactly did you want to do, anyway?" Undyne asked.

"Uh...well, how about the two of us simply drink some tea together?" Muffet requested.

"Oh, COME ON, really? Tea is, like, literally one of THE most boring and overrated things EVER!" Undyne growled frustratedly at her.

"You mean like your fucking PERSONALITY?" Muffet bit back.

"Yes, like my fucking stupid, one-dimensional personality...wait, WHAT?!" Undyne yelled in sudden realization of what she was agreeing with; alas, however, it was already too late, because Muffet already had her firmly tied up with webbing and was dragging her over to the picnic table.

"So...since you gave me all of your money, I'll just let you have all eight of your requested cups of tea ON THE HOUSE, ABSOLUTELY FREE OF CHARGE!" Muffet laughed, forcefully pouring all eight scalding-hot cups of tea into Undyne's mouth at once.

"So, how does it taste?" Muffet asked her teasingly with a four-eyed wink.

"PAIN..." Undyne winced, coughing up blood as she struggled not to throw up all over the table.

"WRONG ANSWER, PAL!" Muffet laughed, calling out her massive army of spider babies. "SPIDERS! EAT HER FLESH OFF!"

A FEW MINUTES LATER...

"So...would you care for some delightful eight-armed handjobs, dearie?" Muffet asked Undyne, who had indeed gotten the entire outer layer of her flesh mauled off by Muffet's pets.

"Well, to put it nicely...NO, actually; in fact, personally I would much rather RIP YOUR FUCKING ARMS OFF AND SHOVE 'EM UP YOUR ASS!" Undyne growled furiously at her.

"Oh, wait, nevermind, your dick's already been eaten right off anyway! GWEHEHEHEE!" Muffet laughed while Undyne cried and screamed in desperation to break free of her spider-web bonds.

Well, what can I say? Of COURSE Alphys fucking won for the FIFTH time in a row.

"Just GIVE IT UP, Undyne!" Alphys laughed as her and Undyne returned to the lab yet again. "For crying out loud, I've beaten you literally FIVE TIMES IN A FREAKING ROW!"

"Hmm...you know what? I've got a PERFECT idea!" Undyne snickered, drumming her fingers together and cackling evilly. "Let's see which one of us can pull the better prank on the other!"

"Yawn...how about tomorrow, if you don't mind?" Alphys sighed, heading over toward the True Lab elevator exhaustedly. "It's literally almost midnight right about now, you know. You should probably get to bed."

"Oh MAN, she has absolutely NO idea what's coming to her..." Undyne thought devilishly to herself, drumming her fingers together and cackling even MORE evilly than before.

"What was that?" Alphys asked her sarcastically, presumably having literally read her mind.

"UM, NOTHING! HAVE A GOOD NIGHT'S S-SLEEP, MA'AM!" Undyne stammered, breaking out into a fit of innocent whistling while Alphys went down the elevator eyeing her suspiciously.

"Alright, goodnight, guys..." Alphys sighed, greeting the Amalgamates exhaustedly as she entered her massive, orphanage-size bedroom, took off all of her clothing, and finally toppled over into bed as she did every night, falling deeply asleep in the process.

"PERFECT..." Undyne cackled, brandishing her spear ominously as she diligently spied on her best friend's sleeping routine through the lab's security camera system.


	4. Chapter 4

CHAPTER 4

"Okay, so, shrink ray, shrink ray...where is it?" Undyne whispered to herself as she snuck around in the upstairs area of Alphys' lab, rummaging aimlessly through Alphys' many, many equipment cabinets until she finally came to a very sudden and surprisingly sharp realization.

"Hmm, I wonder...what's the FIRST place she would expect a SMART person like ME to look?" Undyne thought to herself, eyeing the Mew Mew Kissy Cutie fanart painting on Alphys' wall suspiciously. "OF COURSE! IN THE LITTLE CIUBBYHOLE BEHIND THE PAINTING!"

"Ah, finally...JUST what I've been LOOKING for!" Undyne chuckled, pulling out Alphys' patented shrink ray from the cubbyhole and shoving it unceremoniously into her pocket before finally putting said painting back where it belonged.

"And now to just head on down to where Alphys is sleeping tonight...HEE HEE HEE..." Undyne snickered creepily to herself, drooling at the mouth and fantasizing intensely about what she was getting herself ready to do with Alphys as she took the elevator straight down into Alphys' infamous True Lab, where all of the Amalgamates lived.

"Ah, here we are!" Undyne chuckled as she walked down the cold, dark, grimy and dimly-lit hallways of the True Lab, ignoring the data logs on the walls since she had already read them something like a million times and had a pretty thorough knowledge of what the True Lab really was.

For some odd reason, Endogeny turned out to be the only Amalgamate out of all of them that was actually awake; right when Undyne was about to enter the bedroom, Endogeny suddenly joined her, wagging its tail with excitement.

"Oh, yeah, you can help out too, little buddy!" Undyne laughed, addressing a monster that was approximately twice her size and at least something like ten times her width as "little buddy".

"Alright, so...psst psst psst..." Undyne cupped her hands and whispered her secret plan into Endogeny's ear; luckily, Endogeny then immediately nodded its head in approval, reaching into its body, pulling out a disturbingly large-sized and thoroughly-filled jar labeled ALPHYS EARWAX COLLECTION, and then finally handing a big chunk of wax from said jar to Undyne.

"Umm...what are you giving me THIS for?" Undyne asked Endogeny, turning her nose up in a mixture of slight confusion and considerably-more-than-slight disgust.

In response, Endogeny used one of its massive legs to point indicatively at Undyne's magic lantern, which just so happened to be magically dangling from her magic belt at the magic moment...because magic.

"Oh, my...you really ARE a smart dog, aren't you?" Undyne giggled, forming the wax that she had been given into the shape of a candle, sticking it into her lantern, and gratefully patting Endogeny on the back as it adorably nodded its head in agreement with her.

"Well, okay, but first...I have some rather urgent and pressing emotional matters to take care of, if you don't mind!" Undyne explained, slowly and creepily approaching Alphys with an uncomfortably menacing and dreadful look in her eyes.

"LOOK AT HER...LYING THERE ASLEEP!" Undyne laughed eerily, crawling up on top of Alphys' bed and gazing upon her beautifully chubby naked body, which was currently laying face-down and backwards on the bed. "THE IDOL OF NEARLY EVERYONE IN THE UNDERGROUND..."

"SHE'S A FOOL!" Undyne whispered dramatically and somewhat angrily, cocking an eyebrow at her in both disagreement and disapproval. "BLIND...SILLY, LITTLE FOOL..."

"HOW EASILY...I COULD, END THE FARCE...WITH THESE HANDS...THESE...DIRTY, HANDS!" Undyne whispered to herself, holding her hands out dramatically in front of her and then balling them into cold, hard fists of pain, hatred, fear and (to some extent) regret.

"AND WITH THESE HANDS, I HOLD THE FATE OF MILLIONS!" Undyne laughed maniacally to herself as she turned her palms toward Alphys' neck and wiggled her fingers maliciously.

"THEY THINK SHE'S A GOD...BUT SHE'S AS MORTAL AS WE...I KNOW!" Undyne laughed and sobbed, terrifyingly scanning over Alphys' body with her eyes in literally the exact same way that the average psychotic serial killer does with his (or her, in this case) victims.

"JUST...ONE...QUICK...TWIST! AND IT'S OVER...JUST...ONE..." Undyne moaned with demented arousal, clenching her hands into horrifying claws and struggling to resist the overpowering urge to straight-up wring Alphys' neck with her bare, fishy-smelling hands...when, all of a sudden, at the most unexpected moment, Endogeny tapped her on the back!

"Oh, uh...s-sorry about that! D-don't worry about me, okay? I was just having a little...psychotic episode t-there, okay? Everyone gets a little c-carried away every once in a w-while, RIGHT?! EHEHEHEHEHE..." Undyne stammered dementedly, beginning to sound disturbingly like Alphys.

"Alright, here we go! SHRINK-A-TIZE ME, CAP'N!" Undyne laughed maniacally, pointing the shrink ray directly at her face and firing it without even an ounce of consideration for forethought for what the consequences could end up being...because she was just THAT desperate.

"Oh my god, this is amazing...she's so freaking HUGE now...oh my god, I already want to crawl inside her vagina and sleep there, but I guess I'll have to save that one for later tonight..." Undyne blushed in awe as she gazed upon the massive, blanketless landscape of bedding that now laid before her, with Alphys' gorgeously naked body covering the vast majority of it.

"Oh, yes...OHHH, YESSS...NOW IT'S UNDYNE TIME!" Undyne laughed as she rapidly sprinted over to where Alphys' feet were laying flat and slightly slanted on the mattress, with the exquisitely curved and wrinkled soles pointing straight up to Undyne's absolute delight.

"You wanna know what ELSE is pointing straight up right now? MY DICK!" Undyne snickered as she climbed onto the soft, cushiony sole of Alphys' now-massive left foot, crawling all over it and spending several minutes licking every last square inch of it, from heel to arch to toes.

"AHH...YES...WORSHIP...MASTER...HER...WORSHIP...THE MASTER...WORSHIP...OHHH...WORSHIP HER...HAAH...HAAAH...HAAAAH..." Undyne moaned and rambled derangedly, drooling and frothing and foaming at the mouth withh saliva and presumably creaming her pants as she gave the ball of Alphys' foot a wet, sloppy kiss before climbing up onto the top of her heel for the grand finale.

"GERONIMO! WHEEEEEE!" Undyne laughed and squealed with pure childlike joy and fascination as she slid all the way down the sole of Alphys' enormous sexy foot, using the layer of saliva that was now covering it from heel to toes as lubricant.

"AND NOW FOR MY UTTERLY DELICIOUS, SCRUMPTIOUS DESSERT!" Undyne laughed like an idiot as she fervently licked out the slimy toe jam from in between Alphys' toes and ate it.

After repeating the exact same worshipping process on Alphys' other foot for several more minutes, Undyne noticed that Alphys' position on the bed had suddenly changed; she was now lying face-up, with her knees bent upwards and her feet flat on the mattress!

"Hmm...this seems a bit conspicuous..." Undyne thought to herself as she clambered onto the top of Alphys' right foot and made her way up to Alphys' ankle...when suddenly, Alphys slowly bent her knees forward so that her legs were pointing straight out!

"Huh...this seems even MORE conspicuous..." Undyne thought worriedly to herself, scratching her head in confusion as she made her way up Alphys' stubby yet oddly slender legs until she finally reached her torso, where she almost fell into Alphys' bellybutton by accident!

"OH, DEAR...NOW THAT WAS A CLOSE ONE!" Undyne gasped, stepping back and regaining her balance at the last second as Alphys reached into her bellybutton with one of her fingers and picked the lint out of it!

"OH WOW, I CAN EVEN FEEL HER HEART BEATING WITH LOVE FOR ME!" Undyne squealed fangirlishly as she made her way up to Alphys' upper torso and climbed onto her left boob, where she immediately readied herself to suck on its plump, succulent nipple.

"ALRIGHT, SO...I THINK THAT IF I JUST PINCH IT RIGHT HERE WITH MY TEETH AND START SUCKING AS HARD AS I POSSIBLY CAN AT MY CURRENT SIZE..." Undyne fantasized as she used the reverse function of the shrink ray to make herself just BARELY big enough, clasped her mouth around Alphys' nipple, and sucked on it as hard as she could for two full minutes.

"OH, DEAR GOD, YES! IT STILL WORKS! OHH, THANK THE HEAVENS!" Undyne squealed yet again with absolute joy and amazement as the creamy white milk from Alphys' boob squirted into Undyne's mouth, causing Alphys to moan lovingly in her sleep with pleasure.

"Aww, I'll bet she's having REAL sweet dreams about me right now!" Undyne blushed adorably as she moved on to Alphys' other boob and repeated the exact same process once more.

"Hey, Endogeny, YOO HOO!" Undyne called out to Endogeny, jumping up and down to signal that it was now time for Phase Two of her diabolical, obviously giantess-fetishistic plan as she shrunk herself back to her previous size once again.

"WHOA, WHOAWHOAWHOAWHOA!" Undyne stammered, trying not to throw up from her ever-so-crippling fear of heights as Endogeny grabbed her with one of its gooey, sticky legs and shoved her straight into Alphys' right ear canal.

"TEE HEE HEE! Oh, Endogeny, you silly boy, why must you ALWAYS give me wet willies?!" Alphys giggled, hugging and kissing Endogeny while Undyne magically got out her magic lighter and magically used it to magically light her magic lantern...you know what? Fuck this.

"Oh, sweet ever-loving Jesus..." Undyne gasped, looking around and seeing just how much wax there really was covering the inner surface of Alphys' ear canal.

"Well, I suppose if you ever wanted to wax a fucking Chevrolet, then maybe this just might come in handy..." Undyne sighed, gagging ever-so-slightly as she accidentally stepped in Alphys' earwax and got a rather sizable layer of it stuck on the bottom of her shoe.

"Ugh...dear LORD, this is so gross..." Undyne shivered, beginning to feel rather woozy from the nasty stench in the air as she tiptoed her way deeper and deeper in, hoping desperately that Alphys wouldn't suddenly hear her and wake up.

"Huh? What's that, Endogeny? Something about Undyne? You know what, you're right, I probably should call her and ask what she's up to..." Alphys sighed, pulling out her cell phone, dialing Undyne's number and holding it up to her right ear while Endogeny just whistled innocently.

"Okay, baby steps, baby steps...quiet...be as QUIET as possible...don't wanna wake her up...don't wanna...WAAAUUUGGGHHH!" Undyne screamed (immediately covering her mouth in helpless terror) and jumped nearly her entire body height into the air; her Alphys-matching Mew Mew Kissy Cutie ringtone had just suddenly gone off right next to Alphys' eardrum!

"Hmm, that's strange, my phone doesn't normally do that...ESPECIALLY not that loudly...and I'm pretty sure that Undyne recently changed her ringtone because of how much she hates me now..." Alphys thought to herself, becoming even more suspicious of Undyne's whereabouts.

"Um...h-hello?! W-who is this?!" Undyne stammered nervously, backing away slowly from Alphys' pearly grey eardrum in an attempt to avoid being heard any further.

"It's me, Alphys." Alphys replied, glancing over at the blushing and trembling Endogeny.

"ALPHYS?!" Undyne gasped, trying and failing miserably to hide how scared she was as her own recorded voice echoed loudly and boomingly through Alphys' ear canal.

"Yes, it's me...listen, Undyne, where exactly ARE you right now?" Alphys asked her curiously.

"Umm...I d-decided to visit the local E-Eerie Canal in Waterfall! EHEHE!" Undyne laughed and stammered nervously, sweating a little as her knees began quaking with apprehension.

"Um, o-kay, so, uhh...you're not hiding something from me, are you?" Alphys asked her teasingly as she briefly tilted her phone out of the way and dug into her ear with her finger.

"UH, N-NO, O-OF COURSE N-NOT! EHEHE! UMM...T-TELL YOU WHAT, UH, I'LL C-CALL YOU BACK LATER, OKAY? UH, B-BYE!" Undyne stammered desperately as she hastily hung up the phone, backing up firmly against Alphys' eardrum and trembling with fear as the finger somehow almost reached where she was standing.

"I just don't believe it!" Alphys laughed at the mere thought of Undyne having secretly snuck inside her ear canal while she wasn't looking...and yet somehow still forgetting to mute her freaking cell phone. "There's just NO WAY she could actually be THAT fricking stupid!"

Once Alphys had finally fallen back asleep and started snoring again, the nervously whistling Undyne casually pushed her precious little eardrum off to the side (using only one hand, no less) and walked right on through to the inner ear, where she then made her way through to the thing that she had REALLY been waiting to see all this time...Alphys' brain!


	5. Chapter 5

CHAPTER 5

"Sweet jumping JESUS, it's so big!" Undyne gasped with awe yet again as she saw how truly massive Alphys' brain was, blissfully unaware that her own brain was actually literally about the exact same size. "So THIS is what a SMART person's brain looks like..."

"Wow, she really IS an awfully bright bulb, isn't she?" Undyne laughed, seeing how Alphys' brain alone was somehow generating enough bioelectric energy to illuminate the entire area around it.

"And her brain is SO cute and squishy too, just like her!" Undyne giggled and blushed as she leapt onto Alphys' brain stem and climbed all the way up onto the top of her brain from there, licking and kissing and sucking on it like a total degenerate creep while doing so.

"WOO! I'm on top'o the world!" Undyne laughed and cheered in satisfaction as she laid down on top of Alphys' brain, crossed her legs and took off her boots.

"OOO, dear Neptune, that feels so good..." Undyne moaned with pleasure as she dug her toes into the moist, wrinkly, spongy, fleshy folds of Alphys' brain before finally standing back up and putting her boots back on.

"TEE HEE HEE...that tickles..." Alphys mumbled in her sleep, drooling a little.

"Alright, well, here goes nothing! Yet again, GERONIMO!" Undyne yelled valiantly as she literally dived straight into Alphys' brain, completely defying the laws of both physics AND biology!

"OWW!" Alphys winced in pain as Undyne went right through the outer surface of her brain and conveniently landed right in the control room!

"Ah, yes, finally; ALPHYS' BEHAVIORAL CONTROL CENTER!" Undyne yelled so loudly at the sight of the main supercomputer console that Alphys actually heard her.

"Hmm...must have just been my imagination." Alphys sighed, reluctant to drift back to sleep as Undyne began hacking into her brain like a pro.

"Hmm, I wonder what the password is..." Undyne thought to herself, stroking her chin. "AH! OF COURSE! MEW MEW KISSY CUTIE!" Undyne realized with delight as she typed out the phrase "mewmewkissycutie" on the keyboard and hit Enter.

"Oh dear, this is SUCH a low blow, even for me..." Undyne blushed and sighed as she brought up the whole database of content stored within Alphys' brain, starting with the memory banks.

"Alright, so...we've got the day when she became the Royal Scientist...that time when she ordered pizza with the toppings in the shape of an anime catgirl...regret over the fact that she created the Amalgamates...the day when she somehow got every single one of her teeth knocked out in a game of dodgeball at Monster High...the day when she was about to jump off a cliff and kill herself in Waterfall, before she met me...and the day when Snowdrake's Father caught her fucking his wife...hmm, I wonder, what else is in here?" Undyne wondered curiously, clicking over into the porn databanks and immediately losing her mind as a result.

"OH, DEAR SWEET LORD, THERE IS SO MUCH DELICIOUS PORN HERE!" Undyne squealed like the overly obsessive Alphys fangirl she was yet again as she flipped through page after page of smutty, yummy goodness. "LITERALLY EVERY YAOI SHIPPING THAT UNDERTALE HAS TO OFFER...FOOT-FETISH PHOTOGRAPHY AND ARTWORK...ANIME YAOI AND YURI OF LITERALLY ALL SHAPES, AGES AND SIZES...PICTURES OF ME NAKED...AND ALPHYS PORN! YES! THANK GOD! THERE'S SO MUCH FREAKING ALPHYS PORN IN HERE!"

"MAN, I'M SO HAPPY I BROUGHT MY MAGIC LAPTOP WITH ME!" Undyne nearly swooned with delight as she pulled said laptop out from her magical belt, downloaded over 30 solid gigs of porn onto it, then somewhat embarrassedly stuffed it back into her belt, blushing quite a bit as she suddenly remembered that she was being filmed doing this on live TV.

"Hmm...come to think of it, what's going on in there right now?" Alphys thought to herself, obviously referring to her brain. "Undyne had better not be downloading porn in there..."

"Heh...funny you should say that, because I've got just the thing for YOU!" Undyne laughed, pulling out the supercomputer's microphone and talking directly to Alphys through it.

"HUH? W-who said that?!" Alphys stammered, rapidly glancing back and forth around her as she hastily redressed herself and began drumming her fingers together in anticipation.

"It's ME, your old pal Undyne, reporting from VERY deep inside your head!" Undyne laughed, picking the earwax off of her boot and eating it.

"WHAT?! Oh dear, oh dear, OH DEAR, OH DEAR, OH DEAR, OH NO NO NO NO NO NO!" Alphys stammered and screamed in terror, biting her nails in dreadful anticipation of what Undyne might do to her now that she had this much literal control over her.

"That's right, THAT'S the spirit! Now your sanity and mine can die TOGETHER!" Undyne laughed maniacally as she clicked the DANCE button on the computer and kicked back in her chair, crossing her legs and getting out a magic bucket of popcorn as the madness began.

"LOADING: 42% COMPLETE." the compute informed her.

"Undyne, I SWEAR TO GOD, THE NEXT TIME I GET MY HANDS ON YOU, I'M GOING TO FUCKING RIP YOUR BODY IN HALF AND SHOVE YOUR THROAT SO GODDAMNED FAR UP YOUR ASS THAT WHEN YOU CRAP, YOU'LL SING FUCKING BEETHOVEN!" Alphys yelled furiously at Undyne.

"My, my, such dreadful LANGUAGE!" Undyne teased her, clicking the ELECTROSHOCK button and smiling with delight as Alphys (and her skeleton, of course) screamed in agonizing pain.

"LOADING: 100% COMPLETE!" even the computer started laughing as the theme song to Mew Mew Kissy Cutie began promptly playing in Alphys' head.

"Oh dear god, WHY IS THIS STUPID FUCKING SONG STUCK IN MY HEAD?!" Alphys screamed and cried as she began uncontrollably dancing. "OH, FUCK, I CAN'T STOP! SOMEBODY HELP ME!"

"Life was such a wreck, every time I would CRASH INTO WALLS!" Alphys sang as she began dancing the tango in the most awkward style possible, crashing into every single thing possible and then finishing with an overly loud stomp on the ground just for added awkwardness.

"I had homework all day but I just wanted to play WET MY FUCKING PANTS!" Alphys sang awkwardly as Undyne clicked the PISS SELF button, causing extensive streams of piss to trickle down Alphys' legs as she stumbled dizzily back and forth.

"And everyone at school always made fun of me FOR OBVIOUS FREAKING REASONS!" Alphys sang as Undyne clicked the UNDERWEAR button, causing Alphys to unbutton her lab coat and throw it right off, revealing her goofy-print Mew Mew Kissy Cutie bikini and underwear as she continued dancing just as awkwardly as ever (note that THIS was also being filmed on live TV).

"Because my neko-chibi costume was so kawaii AND A BEASTFUCKER TOO!" Alphys sang through her nose as Undyne simultaneously clicked the UNDRESS and BESTIALITY buttons, prompting Alphys to strip herself naked, french-kiss Endogeny, deepthroat Lemon Bread, and even breastfeed Snowdrake's Mother while Undyne gleefully masturbated to her agonizing humiliation.

"MEW MEW KISSY CUTIE! It's a new way I'd like to be!" Alphys sang as she rode Endogeny around the room like a horse.

"I'm just MEW MEW KISSY CUTIE! Poor cute and adorable me!" Alphys sang as Memoryhead passionately and lovingly raped her with its many, many tentacles.

"I'm just MEW MEW KISSY CUTIE! I love tentacles and rape and sex!" Alphys sang as Lemon Bread chewed her up and jizzed all over her with its massive, slimy teeth.

"I'm just MEW MEW KISSY CUTIE! Never double-cross my ex!" Alphys sang as Reaper Bird shoved her into its vagina-mouth and...ahem..."digested" her, then spat her out onto the floor.

"Oh my god...OH MY GOD, THAT WAS SO FUCKING PRICELESS...OH MAN, THAT SHIT IS GOING TO GO VIRAL FASTER THAN YOU CAN EVEN SAY YEAST INFECTION!" Undyne nearly died laughing at Alphys' expense as she exhaustedly clicked the SLEEP button, wiping the hilarity-induced tears from her eyes and wanting to punch herself in the face for some reason.

"SLEEP MODE ACTIVATED!" Alphys said robotically, returning to her bed, curling up into a ball and falling asleep yet again as Undyne slipped out the exit to her brain, moved her eardrum back to where it was before, and finally jumped out of her ear, where she was caught in midair by Endogeny and carried over to where Alphys' vagina was.

"COME TO PAPA...OR SHOULD I SAY, MAMA..." Undyne drooled, ever-so-slightly regrowing herself to optimal size with the shrink ray's reverse function as she climbed onto Alphys' tail (after licking, kissing and sucking on it more than her fair share, of course) and eagerly, lovingly approached the fleshy, birthing hole in-between Alphys' legs with open arms.

"MAN, I ALWAYS KNEW ALPHYS WAS A PUSSY AND ALL, BUT THIS IS JUST RIDICULOUS!" Undyne moaned as she excitedly crawled straight into Alphys' moist, slimy, dripping vagina, taking in the beautifully disgusting smell, feeling and licking the soft fleshy walls, and bathing herself in the untold amounts of seminal and possibly menstrual fluid contained within.

After several minutes of fucking Alphys from the inside, Undyne finally gave her an orgasm, flooding the entire cavern with Alphys' warm, gooey and sticky liquid bliss.

"MAN, if I wasn't a fish, I swear to God I'd literally be DROWNING in semen right about now!" Undyne laughed maniacally as she played with Alphys' cum, scooped it up into her hands and gulped it down valiantly, patting her belly and burping loudly once she was finally finished.

"OHH, how I wish that things could just stay like this forever..." Undyne moaned happily as she curled up into an adorable little ball and fell asleep INSIDE of Alphys' vagina, in which she had easily the greatest and most orgasmically comfortable sleeping experience of her life.


	6. Chapter 6

CHAPTER 6

"Oh MAN, she is DEFINITELY going to feel THAT one in the morning...OH, WAIT, IT ALREADY IS THE MORNING! SHIT!" Undyne suddenly realized as she woke up deep inside the vagina of Alphys, who was already busy trying to pull her out with a pair of tweezers.

"YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE, YOU LIZARD SON-OF-A-BITCH!" Undyne yelled valiantly as Alphys finally caught her in the grip of the tweezers and held her up in front of her face.

"Undyne, I know that we've all done...certain things we're not proud of..." Alphys sighed, glancing over at Endogeny and petting it regretfully, "but what you just did last night was absolutely UNACCEPTABLE on so many levels that I don't even know where to begin!"

"Trust me, I'm SORRY! I really am!" Undyne begged Alphys desperately.

"SORRY, but SORRY just isn't good enough to make up for what you did." Alphys sighed, lifting her tweezers directly up above her head and opening her mouth real wide.

"No, PLEASE don't eat me, PLEASE! I'll do anything for you! ANYTHING, I SWEAR! JUST PLEASE SPARE ME, I'M BEGGING YOU! ANYTHING BUT THAT!" Undyne cried and screamed, dangling by the leg from Alphys' tweezers as Alphys sarcastically said AHH and released her grip.

"GWAAAAAAH!" Undyne screamed in deathly terror as she rapidly plummeted into Alphys' gaping, ravenous maw...when all of a sudden-

"HURK?!" Alphys gagged as Undyne grabbed onto her big, dangling uvula and held on tightly.

"Coochie-coochie COO!" Undyne giggled as she tickled Alphys' swinging uvula with her claws.

"HIC...HURK...BLEEEAAAUUUGGGHHH!" Alphys gagged, bent over and threw up, effectively puking Undyne out onto the floor, where she then rolled over onto her back and cowered beneath Alphys' intimidatingly colossal (to her) size as Alphys lifted her massive, sexy foot up and threatened to stomp on her.

"Adios, amigo!" Alphys chuckled, wiggling her toes seductively as she struggled to resist the urge to bring her foot down on top of her best friend and crush her to bloody, gory death.

"NO! STOP!" Undyne yelled at her desperately. "DON'T YOU REMEMBER? I'M THE ONLY TRUE FRIEND YOU EVER HAD! WHAT'LL YOU DO WITHOUT ME, FUCKING KILL YOURSELF?!"

"You know what? You're right, even though you probably have a disgustingly huge boner right now..." Alphys sighed, briefly placing the brightly blushing Undyne in-between her plump, cushiony lizard tits. "Yeah, I know, the contest was to see which one of us could pull a better prank than the other, but you just KIND OF really overdid it, you know what I'm saying?"

"YEAH...I know." Undyne sighed, using the reverse function of the shrink ray to grow herself back to normal size as Alphys set her down on the floor.

"Aw, c'mere, little buddy!" Alphys laughed, running straight into Undyne's open arms and cuddling her lovingly as the two of them prepared for the next two challenges, which would hopefully mark the grand finale of this story; thank god, I say!


	7. Chapter 7

CHAPTER 7

"Alright, so now that we've gotten that overbearingly fetishistic giantess nonsense out of the way, let's see which one of us is better at...TEM KART RACING!" Alphys laughed as her and Undyne entered the Tem Track in Waterfall and got right to racing.

"AlL ROiT, LAdIES aND tEMS, sTART YoUR enGinEs!" Lakitem, the announcer of the race, instructed all twelve of the racers (ten of which were Tems, obviously) as Alphys and Undyne revved up the Tem-shaped engines of their equally Tem-shaped vehicles and took off!

"WHOAWHOAWHOAWHOAWHOAWHOAWHOAWHOAWHOA!" Alphys screamed in exhilaration, hanging on for dear life to her steering wheel as her kart suddenly blasted off at breakneck speeds, making adorable squeaky noises while doing so.

"OHLOLOLOLOYAAY!" Undyne yelled like Funky Kong as she slid around the first U-turn so hard that her wheels briefly but awesomely caught on fire, with Alphys following closely behind as she hit the first row of I-Tem Boxes at the following straightaway and got a moldy banana peel.

"EW, GROSS!" Undyne flinched, throwing the banana peel unceremoniously behind her just as Alphys was launching a homing Tempedo (missile with battery-powered talking Temmie face) at her.

"i'M cOMING FoR yOU, NiGGA!" the Tempedo laughed as the Tem driving right behind Undyne accidentally slipped on Alphys' banana peel and spun out, then got hit right in the tailpipe with the Tempedo, sending him flying halfway across the area!

"Poor thing!" Alphys cried, sliding all over the place and struggling to retain her focus on the now-snaking-and-crazily-curving track as all of the Tems behind her started throwing items at her and Undyne.

"HAH! Missed me!" Alphys laughed, sniping one of the Tems behind her right in the head as they threw grenades at her, fired numerous machine guns, and even attempted to stab her with knives.

"Hah, did you really think you could- WAAAUUUGGGHHH!" Undyne screamed as one of the Tems behind her, who had somehow briefly transformed into an enormous Bullet Tem, came careening up behind her and plowed right through her right as she was about to make the first jump of the track; luckily, however, she still landed on the boost pad for the ramp!

"WHEEEEEE!" Alphys and Undyne screamed with joy as they both did backflips off the top of the massive ramp, with fake I-Tem Boxes and Straight Tempedos flying all over the place all around them!

"I've got a bad feeling about this, Undyne!" Alphys explained to Undyne, ducking under heavy machine gun fire as her and Undyne went around the infamous hairpin turn.

"WHY? Everything seems perfectly fine to me!" Undyne laughed as her and Alphys hit a conspicuously small boost pad and went all the way around the loop-dee-loop while a rather disturbing number of racers (seven, to be exact) missed it and ended up falling off the track and crash-landing into the river yet again as Alphys and Undyne reached the undulation section of the track.

"Are you SURE?" Alphys asked her, cocking an eyebrow at her as one of the Temmies poured steroids into its engine and took off at ludicrous speeds, hitting one of the track's massive undulations and flying right off the track into oblivion.

"rIDING ThE WAVeS, MaN!" the Tem right behind them bragged valiantly as he drove up and down the literal "wave" undulations on the track like a boss (which he obviously was).

"Oh, don't worry, everything's going to be perfectly FINE...HEY, LOOK, AN ITEM BOX!" Undyne squealed with childlike joy yet again as the one and only Tem racer remaining threw a fake I-Tem Box loaded with Blue Tempedos onto the ground right in front of her.

"Undyne, NOOOOOOOOO!" Alphys screamed in slow-motion as Undyne ignorantly drove straight into the obviously fake item box, causing the entire track to go up in nuclear-explosion flames.

LATER, AT THE LOCAL HOSPITAL...

"Uhh...we c-can explain..." Alphys and Undyne giggled and blushed, lying in beds with their entire bodies mummified to prevent further injury.

"ACK!" Alphys choked, having a literal heart attack and passing out upon seeing the sheer cost of the medical bill.

"tEMMIE MiGHT NoT HAVe a mED-SChOOL dEGREE, bUT wHEN yOU GeT HURtIE, yOU'LL bE hAPPY hE'S HErE!" Dr. Temmie laughed, putting on his gloves and sharpening his needle.

Needless to say, not a single person won that one.

ONE WEEK LATER...

"And now for the final challenge...VERBAL WRESTLING!" Alphys growled, coughing up blood as she painfully struggled to straighten her aching back out once and for all.

"Oh, come on, are we even in SHAPE for that yet?" Undyne asked her very seriously, still struggling somewhat to walk without doubling over in agony.

"SURE, we are! Come on, follow me!" Alphys laughed, grabbing Undyne by the finger and dragging her out of the lab.

AT METTATON'S MTT WRESTLING ARENA...

"Ladies and gentlemonsters, may I present to you...the one and only IRON FISHINATOR!" Mettaton announced dramatically as Undyne walked out onto the wrestling ring, flipping the entire audience the middle finger while doing so.

"And of course, how could I possibly forget...THE WEEABOO DORKASAUR?!" Mettaton laughed as Alphys reluctantly, nervously walked out onto the ring, fidgeting and blushing.

"READY, SET, FIGHT!" the referee announced as Alphys and Undyne began what would hopefully be their last serious fight with each other.

"YOU INTENTIONALLY HUMILIATED ME IN PUBLIC!" Alphys growled at Undyne, her words magically summoning a computer which she then used to smash Undyne upside the head.

"YOU FUCKED A BUNCH OF BARELY-EVEN-SENTIENT ELDRITCH ABOMINATIONS! IT'S TIME TO STOP, OKAY?!" Undyne yelled angrily at Alphys, smashing a giant wall clock into her face.

"YOU'RE A FUCKING IDIOT WHO THINKS MEW MEW KISSY CUTIE 2 IS BETTER THAN THE FIRST ONE!" Alphys sneered at Undyne, slapping her in the shins with a magic wand and then headbutting her fiercely.

"HMPH! YOU WANNA KNOW WHAT YOUR FUCKING NAME REALLY STANDS FOR?" Undyne yelled at Alphys, whacking her across the ring with a baseball bat.

"WHAT, MAY I ASK?" Alphys growled, struggling to pull herself back up onto her feet.

"ARROGANT! LAZY! PIECE OF! HAIRY! YELLOW-BELLIED! SHIT!" Undyne screamed at her, beating her over the head with a chair as she yelled each word and phrase.

"YEAH! GO, UNDYNE!" Papyrus cheered in the sidelines, raising his fist valiantly.

"UNCOUTH! NASTY! DICKHEADED! YANDERE! NARWHAL! EGOTIST!" Alphys screamed at Undyne, beating her over the head with a sledgehammer as she yelled each word.

"Yeah...go, Alphys..." Sans muttered, twirling his right finger up in the air and resting his head on his left hand in boredom.

"YOU ARE NOT ONLY A FUCKING COWARD BUT ALSO A MISERABLE LITTLE PILE OF SECRETS!" Undyne yelled furiously at Alphys, smashing several wine bottles over her head.

"WELL, AT LEAST I'M A BETTER WRITTEN AND DEVELOPED FUCKING CHARACTER THAN YOU, YOU FUCKING STUPID PIECE OF OVERRATED SHIT!" Alphys screamed lividly at Undyne, smacking her across the face several times over with a road sign until she (Undyne) fell down.

"Gee WHIZ, those two sound like US when WE were married!" Asgore suddenly realized in the sidelines, looking over at his ex-wife Toriel.

"Wow, I guess that's why you two got divorced, isn't it?" Asriel snickered smugly, causing his parents to promptly shoot him the evil eye of disapproval. "What, was it something I said?"

However, right when the referee was literally just about to officially declare Undyne out for the count, something absolutely amazing happened; Undyne not only got back up, but also hyper-evolved into the almighty Undyne The Undying SMITH!

"Alphys...NEEEOOO! FULLL POWERRR!" Alphys screamed at the top of her lungs, hyper-evolving herself into the equally almighty Alphys NEO ANDERSON!

"Tell me, Alphys; why do you care about humanity?" Undyne asked Alphys menacingly, grabbing her by the neck, lifting her up and choking her. "Humanity is nothing but a meaningless disease, a virus that spreads across the earth and mercilessly slaughters everything in its path until all of the monsters are consumed."

"Okay, true, but there are still a few exceptions...HOWEVER!" Alphys suddenly yelled at Undyne for no apparent reason. "SHUT THE FUCK UP, YOU SELF-RIGHTEOUS RACIST JERK!"

"Fine, have it your way." Undyne sighed, twirling her spear. "Just know that if humanity isn't stopped, THEN THE WHOLE FUCKING UNIVERSE IS GOING TO DIE!"

"SANS!" Alphys addressed Sans, glancing over to where him and Papyrus were seated in the sidelines.

"Who, me?" Sans asked, pointing at himself in confusion.

"YES, YOU!" Alphys groaned impatiently. "Listen up; the position of Royal Scientist is a title given only to those who have truly earned it."

"SANS! As of today, you are the new Royal Scientist." Alphys informed Sans, who was so utterly dumbfounded from hearing such news that he literally didn't even know how to respond to it.

"As for YOU, Undyne, it would seem that going to hell is a fate shared by both you and me, so let's have a proud, honorable warrior's fight to the death with each other! ONE ON ONE! ALL OUT ON BOTH SIDES! IT'S THE ONLY WAY THAT I CAN REGAIN MY LOST PRIDE!" Alphys bellowed valiantly.

"YOU'RE ON, MOTHERFUCKER!" Undyne sneered at Alphys, discarding her spear and cracking her knuckles as the ring platform suddenly began rising rapidly into the air!

"I WILL NEVER DIE AT THE HANDS OF MY OWN BELOVED GIRLFRIEND!" Alphys screamed at the top of her lungs, readying herself to punch Undyne in the face with all of her might.

"AND NEITHER WILL ME AND MY GLORIOUS DREAM OF FREEDOM!" Undyne screamed at the top of HER lungs, readying HERself to punch Alphys in the face with all of her might.

"FRIENDSHIP...PUNNNCH!" Alphys and Undyne both screamed at the tops of their lungs in unison, their fists colliding directly with each other with over 69 sextillion metric fucktons of force.

"ALPHYS, HANG ON!" Sans screamed and cried for one of the first non-Genocide times in his life. "UNDYNE, BE CAREFUL!" Papyrus urged Undyne with glistening fake tears in his eyes.

"URRRAAAHHH!" Alphys and Undyne screamed in agony as their faces literally melted from how ridiculously epic this scene was, prompting the entire planet of Earth to then explode in a rainbow-colored flash of light, sending laser beams across the entire Milky Way galaxy.

Well, that was certainly something.


End file.
